Navigating the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, however I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many homosexual males have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a life-changing chance to you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
